But I can’t, I feel as if I am dying.
I am drowning without your love.

Oh how I wish I could live without air.
Oh how I wish I could ease my anguish.
Oh how I wish I could live without water.
Oh how I wish I could steal your heart.

How can a fish swim without water?
How can a bird fly without wings?
How can a flower bloom without soil?
Oh neither could I live without you.

I just can’t, I feel as if I am dying.
I am drowning without your love.

Oh how I wish you were here.

You are more than the air I breath.
You are the only one that can quench my thirst.
You are my only heart.
No I can’t live without you.

I waited a couple minutes… I stepped out my car and dialed the restaurant, as I walked to the door I told the hostess that I, Mr. Gonzalez, was not going to be able to make it to dinner… to please cancel my 6:15 reservation. After hanging up I walked in and asked for a table for two.

I was sat down two tables from the doctor’s party and across the aisle 1 table down was the lawyer’s party… there was only one other table open in our section. “Susie” got there about 5 minutes later. She was not a real date, just an artist looking for assistance… this was actually a business meeting… but she was definitely nice to look at.

Dinner was lovely for everyone… so it seem. At some point I snuck my special cell out and sent a pre-saved text to the subjects that read: “What’s most important to you?” Subjects finished their dinner and left almost at the same time. Five minutes or so later I thank “Susie” for her time and told her I’d see what I could do for her. I paid for dinner cash and we headed out… on our way out, there they were… doc and lawyer inquiring to the hostess about the reservations… I walked “Susie” to her vehicle and went home. I got a few calls that night to my special cell, threats.

Day 4 – sent text: “What do you want the most?” received a few threatening text messages.

Day 5 – sent text: “If you want this to end both of you must meet me, if one is not there I won’t show.” Eventually received text message requesting location. After I did not respond more threatening text messages followed.

Day 6 – Provided location of Cafe I had first seen them, and time of meeting via text.

Day 7 – Took public transportation to Cafe, set myself up where I had a clear view and enough cover. They showed up on time. I let then sit there for a few. Sent a text to her: “Don’t sit across from each other, sit next to him.” I walked around to approach from the back, walked in and sat across from them… shades and hat on.

I was asked why, who I was, who I worked for. I was threaten. I was offered money in an envelope, threaten some more. I didn’t say much outside of “I don’t need your money.”

Finally I said: “Listen up! Today is the last day you’ll ever hear of me or see me… what you do once I leave here in a minute is none of my concern.” After hearing a dumbfounded why. I said: “This was an opportunity for you to reflect on what really matters the most to you. Is what you two have more important then everything else in your life? Do you know what’s the most important thing in your life (lawyer’s first name)? Because (doctor’s first name) sure does…”

I got up in a spring and quickly started to exit the Cafe, I stopped and turned to subjects 008 and 009. I gave them half a smile, turned around… walked away.

She left my two bedroom apartment
But you voyager, if you see her one day
Come back and tell me, come back and tell me
Tell me if her hair still has that scent of love
If her lips are just as dreamy

But promise me you won’t get too close
Because if you touch her bronze skin
You’ll become delirious, delirious
If I had not been careful enough with her splendor
My eyes would still be burning, be burning

She’s from an ageless time filled with stories
Of Arab princes, love marriages
Freed slaves, and more gallant stories

I often forget to come home for a night or two
My friends wonder about me
Worry that I’m so difficult to figure out
But you tell them, I’m just figuring life out

She left my two bedroom apartment
But you voyager, if you see her one day
Come back and tell me, come back and tell me
Tell her I’d give for her my last breath
My very last breath

He is a Doctor, she is a lawyer… how did that one happen? Probably off some online site… the most crucial day of the 7 will be day 3, unfortunately my success on that they will depend much on the assumptions that people are indeed creatures of habits and on timing. I’ve calculated the most likely reactions to scenarios not only of the subjects but of their spouses. I planned day 3 first and work from there out.

Day 1 – I had a picture of them together (I printed it at a Walmart kiosk from a thumb drive) hand-delivered to them at their work place.

Day 2 – Through some social engineering and casual snooping during the pre-seven day research period I was able to obtain both subjects personal phone #s. On this day I simultaneously sent them a text (from my special phone my cell man got me) that read: “Cheating, is this really what you want?” I received no response from either of them.

Day 3 – A litte after lunch time I called a local restaurant and told them I needed to make reservations for 3 parties, 3 couples, clients that I was treating out to dinner… the couples did not know each other and could be sited anywhere… but was probably a good idea to sit them somewhat close together in case I was able to stop by and say hi. Asked to please make reservations for 6:15 under – one for doctor’s last name, one for lawyer’s last name, one for Gonzalez

I then proceeded to call the doctor’s office and advised them that I, John Scott, was not able to make it to my late afternoon appointment that I would call and re-schedule later.

I then proceeded to call the lawyer’s office and advised them that I, Terry Smith, was not able to make it to my late afternoon appointment that I would call and re-schedule later.

I then proceeded to call “Susie” and confirmed our date for later on that day.

About 5 pm an hour before or reservations I called the doctor’s office again and asked to speak to the doctor. He was not available. I left a message saying that this was the office of (lawyer’s name) calling and that she had left the office for the day and her cell phone was dead but she asked me to call the doctor and asked him to meet her at (Restaurant + address) as soon as he was done with work to go over some important documents. I calculated he would there a little after 6:15

I then proceeded to call the lawyer’s office again and asked to speak to the lawyer. I was put through. I told her this was Timmy from (doctor’s name) office and he had to leave early and cell was dead, but he wanted to meet at 6:15 at a restaurant and I gave her the info.

“Timmy” then proceeded to call the doctor’s wife at her store and tell her that even though his cell phone was dead and had step out of the office he wanted to make sure to let her know he had reservations for both of them at 6 pm.

“Timmy” Then proceeded to call the lawyers husband and advise of the reservations at 6 pm and the dead phone and early office departure by the lawyer. I calculated both spouses would get there a little past 6 pm.

I backed up into my parking space at exactly 6 PM according to my special phone (I had both phones) I turned the car off to accessories and listened to some music. I told “Susie” to meet me at 6:30, she probably would be a little early. first 5 minutes past and nothing, I felt tense. At 6:07 I saw the doctor’s wife… 3 minutes later I saw the lawyer’s husband… I took a deep breath, that probably meant like a 90% chance the other two would show. At 6:14 I saw the lawyer… like 15 seconds after she walks through the doors I saw the doctor pull up. He parked, walked towards the restaurant but then suddenly stops… he’s looking at… his wife’s car… hmmm, didn’t think about that one…. guess there was not much I could have done…

We both were of similar thought that cheating is a bad thing. But our reasons why were a little different. I felt she had been cheated on at some point or maybe cheated herself and had experienced the resulting bitterness first hand. “There is absolutely nothing good about cheating” she said. I (being opposed to such qualifiers as nothing, never, always, everything) told her that can’t be true… there must be something “good” about it or otherwise people wouldn’t do it so often. That if you really thought about it you could see the romantic allure of it for people.

My friend insisted there’s absolutely nothing romantic about it… I told her anything could be presented in a romantic, passionate, good light… even that. I asked for an opportunity to show her. After she had confirmed that I wasn’t asking to have an affair with her she agreed.

So people, cheat… I guess for many reasons… pursuit of happiness, pleasure, revenge, boredom, true love? lack of love, self respect? one of them? all of them? more of them?… I don’t know. But what people don’t realize is that if being in a generally acceptable relationship is complicated and difficult, even painful, then the potential for disaster in an affair is jut tremendous. I don’t think that people generally take into account that potential for disaster when they enter an affair.

Subject 008 and 009 both have spouses, children. While I may be tempted to concentrate on helping their families because they’re the ones that would suffer without need because of the subjects actions, I won’t because the Code of Action states that I am to make a difference in the chosen subject’s life not their families. So how do I “help out” the subjects? Do I assist them in their romantic plight for true love? Do I help them learn a more moral way of life?

My married fiend asked me if I was to take all morals away and I was in a relationship would I ever cheat on the girl. I told her if morals are not involve than I would make it a point to make my decisions based on logic, what makes sense. So the answer would be no. With a suspicious look she asked if I being single had the change to have an affair would I do it (no morals involve)? I said again based on logic I would have to say it depends.

She questioned my logic… a few days later I got to “show” her the romantic side of an affair and also explain my logic, while she had no rebuttal and maybe even agreed, she saw me differently from that day on. I asked her: if you take away that learned fear of having an affair, would you cheat or if you were single would you help a guy cheat… she said “it would be very possible” on both accounts.

Morals and fears… what about true love? I think I have an idea for subjects 008 and 009.

They eventually get up walk out the cafe and stand in the front it seems to… say good-bye? But not before having a taste of the aftermath of each other’s drink, serious tongue action, seriously? Then it hit me… they are having an affair.

I quickly get up head out the door and quietly and without drawing too much attention go to my car and get in… I wait. If they go on separate cars they’re having an affair… a few minutes later they part and head to different cars… hello subjects 008 and 009.

Day 1… purchase items in list one, then late in the middle of the night deliver package without being detected. The same for the other six days… while at the same monitoring subjects outward apparent mood and reactions.

Day 3… subject’s response seems favorable… arrange casual “meeting” for closer inspection.

Day 6… “accidentally” bumped into subject. Talked for about 5 minutes being careful not to reveal anything, overall effects seem better than expected.

Day 7… delivered last package with everything I had researched for her… walked away.

I can not even imagine the sacrifices she made to make sure I had enough to eat. She made some tough choices.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve first saw subject 001, I’ve learn she has another kid a son about 3 years older then her daughter. She seems like a genuinely good and responsible mother and like many women born in Latin America she’s very God oriented.

All this did not take too long to investigate.The bulk of my investigation has been in actually getting the right help. I know how I want to deliver the help… but just not sure where I want to lead her too.

I’ve talked to so many people… made quite a few contacts that might be useful for this project in the future.

The little girl is asking her mom (in Spanish) to please buy her and item, mom’s refusing. Typical child-mom-at-the-store scene you think? Not actually, this is an item you’d think mom would want her daughter to have. So I pay a little closer attention to the things mom is looking to buy… she compares and seems a little distressed. Eventually she grabs her purse and takes money out and counts it. Then she puts some items back selects a few others after checking prices and heads towards the counter.

My choices are: pay for her groceries… but that would effectively start my seven day period or, do some detective work first and see how my actions can be the most effective. I went with the second option because it confirmed best with the Code of Action. Just like that, project seven’s first subject was selected.

However interesting or wild my imagination may become, I am sure that if those people were to reveal their thoughts occurring at the moment I was inspecting their faces I would be proved a terrible thought guesser. Any asserted guess would only be coincidental. Knowing people’s thoughts without they first attempting to communicate them is nearly impossible. Of course there’s now technology that can actually read thoughts, but I would think that’s experimental at best and expensive, therefore not real practical (that’s a good thing!).

People, however like to communicate their thoughts. Once those thoughts leave our minds they’re up for grabs for anyone willing and able to intercept them, not just the ones they were intended for. It can be done with something as simple as reading lips, to something more sinister as appropriation of privilege information meant for others. In any case thoughts are difficult to determine by mere observation.

Emotions on the other hand are a completely different story. It’s as if our whole body was design to communicate emotions. To me it’s obvious that muscles primary function is not motion, but emotion… and the eyes are little windows to the depths of our soul.

I’ve been at this cafe for almost thirty minutes… a few have stood out, but I’m not ready yet… I enjoyed this time, however. Now I have to work on some logistic and keep an appointment with an old contact from Long Island. He used to get cell phones for me and my friends… why would we need a cell phone guy you ask? Well, sometimes a cell phone is not just a cell phone… after all the cell phone business is a tens of trillions of dollars a year industry… it helps to have a guy that can get you things before anyone else has them. But today what I need is just a phone that can not be traced back to me once I take the battery out. Simple, cheap and has been around for a while. Yet it will be very useful in my endeavors…

I should be able to reach him within 30 minutes… if there’s no traffic, but I got time…

2. The 7 days period will commence with the first action, whether it be accidental or on purpose, that effectively affects or alters the subject or subject’s life in a meaningful manner, however small that affect is.

3. An unspecified amount of time is allow from the selecting of subjects until “the first action” that marks the beginning of the 7 days to observe, for research, or determination of logistics.

4. At the end of the 7 days I must ceased all activity relating to the subject or subjects and completely ‘walk away’ regardless of progress made, unless doing so means imminent real and foreseeable danger to me, subjects, or others.

5. From the moment the subject or subjects are selected to the end of the 7 days, I must do my best to make my presence inconspicuous and to keep complete anonymity if at all possibly. In my orchestrating of events directly affecting subjects I will keep my influence on them as clear as possible from bias based on my own ideas, feelings, morals (or perceived lack there of), not withstanding my determination to stick with what is right and good.

6. While I will strive to keep myself, subjects, and others safe, I will refrain from interfering in any activity whether it be illegal, immoral, or otherwise inappropriate unless my inaction results in imminent real and foreseeable danger to anyone and not withstanding my determination to stick with what is right and good.

7. If I have a reasonable believe that anyone is in imminent real and foreseeable danger I will do whatever is in my power to keep individuals safe including but not limited to calling proper authorities, and superseding this rule above any other rules, not withstanding my determination to stick with what is right and good.

These are the rules… this is where it all begins

Million of leafs falling over your body
Winter tears dripping on your body
Illuminated and eternal
Furious and peaceful
On a grass rug you were flying asleep
An impossible silence was smothering my life
With one of your tears and one of my tears

So much nostalgia is resting in my loft
I’ve spoken out my life in loneliness
I write love poems that I shall never forget
Because on majestic clouds I write them

So many caresses are lost in my bed
So many grievances to God that you are not here
I write love songs in your memory
In each one I always tell the same story

Million of rose petals falling over your body
Summer tears dripping on your body
Illuminated an eternal
Furious and peaceful
On a grass rug you were flying asleep
For a shooting star
I confused you the other night
While your light burned I asked for three wishes
Please let me cry… for you
Please let me cry… for me
Please let me cry… oh yeah

How can you change some one’s life in just 7 days you wonder? Well keep in mind that many life changing decisions, affecting you and others, are made in split seconds. So the changing part is not very difficult. But my goal will be to make the change for the better while keeping myself out of the picture as much as possible.

This will require a great deal of skill. I must show masterful compartmentalization and efficient use of specific resources and talents unique to myself.

Boundaries will be imperative. I’m known as a very fly by the seat of your pants type of guy. That’s my nature, I won’t easily alter that tendency. However, because of the how delicate this project is I prefer to have ground rules, general guidelines which will highlight truth and justice, regulated by compassion and need for safety. They will also help define two aspects of the objective, first the “subject or subjects” and also the “period of 7 days.”

This rules will be my “Code of Action.”

Now I am not going to try to tell you here how to find happiness, nor am I gonna tell you my sole purpose in life is the pursuit of happiness… it is not. However, in trying to align with my real purpose I find it vital to satisfy basic needs and desires to achieve a happy balance.

The intricate workings of trying to find the correct balance between purpose, needs, and desires… physically, emotionally, and intellectually speaking is too complicated to be interesting. Yet, amongst a sea of things to work on there is one thing, namely decompensation, that I will tackle in a peculiar way. In trying to figure out how to address this possible threat, I’ve decided to start project code name “Seven”.

And I recalled all the beautiful dreams she inspired
When she filled my dark skies with shooting stars
With her hands

Today I saw her face
I felt something so strange that I can’t describe
Unless you want me to
My blood burned my skin as it ran trough my veins
All such a curse

And I recalled all the sadness and evil she brought
That she’s the one who gave me so much suffering
With her absence

Today I heard her voice
I understood that I never forgot her and I still love her
That she’s a part of me, I wont forget, and I’m not made of steel
I… just can’t no more

While MOST of the events described in journal entries are based in real-life experiences, artistic liberties are taken to combine events, add fictional aspects, or change geographical/chronological/personal identifiers for the sake of safety, story telling, or to protect privacy.

To the beat of a roaring fire in the fireplace
I think about you today.

Seeing the wind twirl those leaves.
It’s so stormy today,
How clueless the flight seems
of that one lonely sparrow.
So quiet are the nest left behind
by the acrobatic swallows.

Sitting here at the edge of the night
I think about you today.

Two umbrellas move ever so slowly
across the lonely street.
I hear the beat of the clock so softly
from across the room
Listening to the wind blow through the shutters.
It’s so stormy today.

I think about you today.
About you, you’re my whole life,
that spring breeze and sunshine of my life.
About you, who suffers in my absence
and stares at the stars with a sigh, for me.

But it’s too late to turn back now
and to try to forget what I feel today.
So please look into my eyes for just a moment.
Tell me that you’ll never turn away.
Despite me putting you through stormy fires.

Love me.
The way I know to love.
Feel what I feel.
Love me.
Since all my life I’ve waited
for you to come be by my side.
Love me.
Because the most amazing of times are
those when I feel I need you the most.
Love me.
Because loving you is my destination
so please just map out the route.

So love me.
Love me with my endless sorrow.
Love me through the stormy fires.
Love me like there’s no tomorrow.

But specifically about the two first mentioned, I found it real odd that they would both exit my life about the same time. Today I know that it was with a purpose that happened, otherwise some of the things that are happening now would not be possible.

Be as it may, they were both a great influence in my life in my last 6 years. Though at times not the best of influence, I had in one an equal in regards to my heart, only she is better; in other I had an equal to my thinking ability, only she is better. While they only knew of each other by my mentioning of their names (since they were from completely different parts of my life)… they at many times work in such perfect harmony to bring balance to my life.

I understand the reason they are no longer in my life, I see the good in that. I know that perhaps neither of them will ever see this, but this is directed to them. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving so much of you and yet asking back so little of me. Thank you for the time and energy you dedicated to me that I perhaps did not appreciate. Thank you for the selfless love and understanding you showed. I still can’t exactly comprehend why I was so favor by you, after all we are all three from completely different worlds.

The ironic thing is that these two knew the least details of my life of all those that have been close to me, but are in a way the ones that knew me the most. The sayings that they spoke to me that seem like I just brushed of my shoulder, I carefully kept in my book of remembrance and now they make sense. Now I understand, so thank you again.

But I’m not fooled, no – I’m throwing it all out

Worthless vegetation; here today, gone tomorrow
Fragile, weak – it won’t see the light of morrow
With my hands I crush them and into little pieces I rip them apart
A clean slate; none of these feelings I want in my heart

Because I’m am not fooled, no – I’m throwing it all out

I know I told you them other guys would be like stars in the sky to you.
That I would be your sun in the sky fading those memories away
But I struggle to find words to explain what’s inspire in my heart by you
I couldn’t tell you how different you are from other girls- like night and day

Your friends tell me I have a great girl I should never let you get away
Wanting to take care of you, nurture you- don’t fly away like a dove
I tell your friends, everyday that passes you never fail to take my breath away
Wanting to shower you with warmth and the deepest of my love

I love from the joy and love you bring to my heart
To the smell of your hair when ever I’m lost in your arms
I love from when you stand there looking into my eyes
To the peace and tranquility you bring to my soul with your touch

I know at times I fall short of expressing all my feelings
I know sometimes it even affects all my dealings
But have no doubt of what I mean when I say I love you
All I am doing, for sure it’s all for you

My friends tell you that if you are happy then I will be happy
You know I’ll do whatever it takes no matter how sappy
But if ever I make you sad or just plain mad
Don’t think I want to push you away, it will make me sad

This is much less than you deserve, and not adequate enough to describe what I feel. But no matter what language I turn to, words are just not enough to express what you inspire in me. Thank you. I want to always have your kiss. Never do I want to bring to you anything but bliss and a smile to your heart, but I know at times I’ll fall short. I promise I will only try again, from my purpose I’ll never turn away.

Today I saw such a beautiful flower
Dressed in green and purple
Lonely she sat by the creek
The instant we touched I was caressed
With a mesmerizing aroma

Today I stole a peek at the soul
Of a beautiful purple flower
Passion spilling over a creek
It was my noble task to have her meet
The royalty I found sitting by the street

Today I saw the most beautiful purple flower

“Mom”

Mom from the beginning it was
Just you and me Mom
Dad was never there I know
No one else has broken your heart
The way he did… and

You were worry about keeping me alive
You wanted me to have a future later in life
You had tough choices to make, Mom
I understand Mom

You remember that night
When the Guerilla and Military broke out in a fight
You said “Son, wake up! Get under the bed
I do not want to see you dead”

We laid there in the cold hard tile
Hoping it would be over in a little while
But on the other side of the wall, bullets kept flying out the AK-47s
Still, I fell asleep as if I was in heaven

Yeah that was ’cause you made me feel safe
Even though those memories I’ll never erase
I knew you would take care of me
You would always be there for me

Mom from the beginning it was
Just you and me Mom
But then you had to leave Mom
I was barely five, Mom
I did not understand why Mom

I know your heart has never been broken
The way Dad broke it
Except when you chose to walk away from me
That day you also broke my heart, like no one else has been able too
I suffered I cried
I didn’t understand why

Twenty something years later, I still suffer and cry
I wake up in the middle of the night trying to fight the demons inside
I know you still broken hearted too, sometimes at night I hear you cry
I know now you try to get some of it back
I am sorry to say it will never be the same

Mom, I wish I could turn back the hands of time
So once again we could have that first love
Please understand that from you I learned that
When you love someone you must be willing to put everything on the line
Giving up life is nothing, you must be willing to sacrifice even the love you share
I love you more than anything Mom.
I understand Mom

So, does that mean I fall in love with a girl’s soul? Nah I just like the pretty colors in their irises… ha ha. Anyway, moving on to the next item… so last weekend I went to Jersey and made it to the shore twice. The one day we were there early before sunrise… we saw the sun creep over the horizon and then just shoot up. It was beautiful. Now, the other day it was the middle of the day and I didn’t know girls could go topless in a public beach at the Jersey shore… guess you learn something new everyday…

In others news, my life is finally back to “normal,” for the most part… made it through a stormy rut there and am now going back to my carefree self once again… however I think I may keep some of the skills I used in the last few months to survive . While the last 2 or 3 weeks have not been completely stress-free, I have been able to have good times !

Moving on, in a conversation with a friend I said: “fear is vital for our existence but only if we control our fears, not if our fears control us.” And much more was said… that was such a good conversation . A few weeks ago another friend commented how I seem to be sure of who I am and where I’m headed. I suppose she said that because I love to define feelings, ideas, and such. I do define these things with great care… however it should be noted that I’m not perfect (yes really) and I may fall short of what I define as ideal. Such is life. My life .

One of the common grievances from those friends (an others) is the role feelings/emotions have in defining me and the way I’ve interacted with them. All said and done, I walked away with the feeling that some may misunderstand what truly is the most important thing for me. So let me take this opportunity to break it down for you.

Feelings: Mine vs. Others
From my point of view other people’s feelings have been far more important than mine in defining my interactions. I determine, for the most part, how I feel about someone by what I inspire within them. Now this sometimes gets tricky and problematic since it is not always easy to determine what’s going on inside someone else mind and heart, there can also be misinterpretation on my part, and what can be seen by others as a lack of interest in the relationship from my part.

Feelings: Mine – not completely meaningless
I am one who is thoroughly awe by all emotions, positive and negative, and am fascinated in learning why and how they come about, their meaning, effects, depths, and so forth. The process of understanding these feelings is key in determining how I view other people. However, in no way are any of these feelings at the core of who I am, with the exception of… fear. The reason, again, is too complicated to be interesting… but you should know my life is not one that is filled with fears, rather I have numbered and well define fears that come into play ever so often.

In the end what really matters is… love. I have always respected love as one of the greatest gift given to humankind. I respect not just the love I have for others, and the love others have for me, but also the love existing amongst others. Even at the times I was too weak to stick to what I’ve learned to be good and true, at no point did I attempt against love. Even when I felt that love would not be one to last. I am simply not one to get in the way of love.

So for those who are no longer my friends… If I ever told you I love you, know that it is not something I say to many. If you were close to me it was because you are simply a wondrous person. If I’ve allowed the relationship to end, it is not because you are any less wonderful now, or because I love you any less. It is simply what I’ve determined to be the best for now. If it was your choice, then it was your choice.

Losing these friends… it leaves this emptiness inside… it does hurt. But it’s not something that is new to me, I have an intensity and passion that many have a difficulty keeping up with, and at times that even I can’t handle. My life without these friends is empty today, but tomorrow It will be filled… for soon I will be touching someone’s heart and they will feel like they are “blowing up into a million pieces on the inside and coming back together on the outside all in an instant.” That’s a good line… who did I write that for again? ooh… yeah.

In conclusion… my love is forever, for that is the only way I know how to love.

As for wisdom, what I’ve acquired through the years has been one of the biggest most stable influences. Yeah, maybe I’m not as wise now as I used to be when I was about 13, when I knew pretty much everything and had all the answers, but I still have well define notions about life, what’s good what’s not.

As for love, my perception of it is also a great influence when it comes to defining who I am. Yet, even though such perception has remained relatively unchanged for many years (it should be known that I perceive love as more than just a feeling – for it is far greater than just a feeling), transferring that love from my heart to others has evolved and taken different routes and forms.

As for courage… there’s been times that I have gone against what I know is good and right, at times out of weakness, at times out of curiosity or other reasons… having the strength, fortitude, integrity to do what you know is right in your heart is, many times, not easy.

As for other things (role in live, job tittle, feelings, et cetera) the one that pertains to me the most and is of interest to you would be feelings, both mine and others. Feelings however do not define me at the core, the essence of who I am, but rather how I interact with people. I guess in a way when we consider that there’s three versions of us: The way others perceive us to be, the way we perceive to be, and who we really are… then all these and many other things define us.

Going back, however, to how I perceive myself to be… again, feelings are of vital importance not to define my core, but my interactions.

What does this mean?

Oh I will tell you next!

If anyone out there feels that I define who I am through pain, sorrow or fear… then they are far from the truth within their hearts. For the one’s that feel I enjoy such feelings, you only have half the truth.

When thinking about how a person is define, there are two factors that have a great influence… internal and external forces. Growing up we are shape by the teachings and influences of our family, teachers and friends, later some will define who they are by roles they play in life (their jobs, a life style), believes, a cause, so on. Along the way from beginning to end we are also, influenced by our feelings, tastes, preferences… which in turned have been shape by both those around us and by our internal wiring or make up.

Despite whatever factor we allow to influence us the most, as I’ve stated before it is my firm believe that “who we are, is ultimately our responsibility.” It is also obvious to me that when we allow any one factor to over power the way we define ourselves we become limited in regards to the person we are.

I also believe that when we seek to define ourselves within the realm of a pure love, accurate and truthful wisdom (including a well define understanding of right from wrong), and courage (including strength, fortitude, actions in harmony with your values) and only there, is where we can become limitless in how beautiful and wondrous we will be as a person.

Defining one self within such realm puts a great deal of importance on positive emotions within self (internal forces: love, courage) and a great deal of importance of how we acquire wisdom (external forces: friends, believes, so on). Feelings such as fear, sadness and pain are of secondary importance and are there only to keep us human.

How I define myself…

Oh I will tell you next!

My dear love,

Sweetie, I’m so sorry I can’t be there for you, but know that I love you, love you, love you… and I hurt, I hurt for you. I have a million different problems, many more the things that I need…. but all I want is to hug you, hug you tight, hold you. I want to kiss every single one of your tears. Tell you I love you.

Sweetie, your sorrow fills my heart with anguish. If I only was a scientist that I might find the cure for pain… or that I could find a genie in a bottle to wish you happiness… all 3 times, just in case. But all I can do is tell you I love you, love you, love you.

[redacted]

Sweetie, I am sitting here, my mind wrapped around you, my heart saying your name with every beat. With every breath I take, I feed the hope that soon with my own two eyes I’ll see you and then with my own two lips I’ll tell you: I love you, love you, love you.

Sincerely,

Javier C.

If anyone was paying attention, that person would know that the last three months have been very difficult for me to endure. I would go as far as to say that these past three months have been the worst in a very, very long time… but then again, I have a pretty lousy memory when it comes to misery. Further more I will have to admit the misery has been limited mostly to the logistics of things. The whole feel of it has been a steady calm, almost carefree (outside of one or two complete emotional breakdowns that is).

I do have to thank a family, in particular, who has greatly help in most of the “leg work” of getting by… they’ve taken me in as one of their own and love me as more than a brother. They’re most certainly a great blessing to me. I also have to thank the two or three girls who either came out the blue to my rescue when I was completely crushed emotionally and overwhelm with feelings (yeah I guess it does happen to me too), or were there constantly like my north pole, keeping me grounded and in course despite maybe having differences in believes from me or having their own problems, or both. Thank you, my loyal love shall never part from you all.

While I’m still not out of the woods in regards the horrid months of winter (I still enjoy that season by the way – it was the events not he season), things are getting better and they are doing so quickly.

Emotionally speaking… traditionally in spring I am, while mostly in control of my feelings still extremely intense and passionate in my emotions. That emotional supercharge will often carry over to my actions. The results aren’t always good (Side Note – It’s weird but my demeanor, emotions, thought process seems to vary with the seasons. Traditionally it goes like this: Autumn – the most happy, outgoing, adventurous. Winter – very mellow, introverted, cautious. Spring – emotionally supercharged and explosive. Summer – the most logical, rational, reasoning is the the norm, the brain rules. I tend to make most crucial decisions of my life in spring or summer. It’s all very weird if you ask me).

Outside of logistic going from bad to good, emotions from unusually good to dangerously explosive… we have a couple other things, namely: 1) Jesse and Evelyn, and 2) my insecurities.

*************************************

I started writing the above before the events of March 4th 2010… as for Jess and Eve… Congratulations on your upcoming wedding April 17th! Our adventures together are not over yet but when they are I will miss you guys. You both our great and wonderful.

As for my insecurities… I often felt as if I’m not good enough or deserving of the wonderful people stumbling into my life. But those insecurities I’ve been able to put in good perspective with the passing of time. However a new type of insecurity surfaced as of not too long ago, and I was disgusted because I’m simply just not like that. I found myself to be extremely jealous with someone. I mean, psychotic you-are-mine-I-don’t-trust-you-talking-to-your-shadow type jealous. I guess it has to do a lot with how the relationship developed (I’ve heard other theories)… but I hate it… I am not that guy. Well, at least it was just a feeling that did not translate to hurtful, destructive actions.

As for everything that has happened to date… live has been extremely difficult, but I’m ready for the changes coming ahead. As for those who have been there for me in the last few months… I love you more than life and I am sorry I’ve been such a burden. As for those who are still going to be there for me in the upcoming months and the new comers who have no idea what they’re getting into… thank you… but no, not just them, thank you all.

You call me, I can’t understand your pain
Your tears are many, to me it’s so plain

I don’t care why or how, I just want to make it go away
In my heart I wish I could take you, there you could stay

If I could only give my life for you, Sweetheart
That from joy and happiness you’d never part

Because what good is it if tomorrow I see the sun
If with your sorrow and pain I am simply stunned?

But the best I can do is sit in my solitude and for you cry
Just know that to always be there for you, I will try

***************************

The above is dedicated to wonderful girl from my past.

I love us…
That one morning I showed up at your door without me telling you
I had that pink teddy for your mother and had chocolates for you
You were in your Pjs, hair undone, no makeup on
As you were I dragged you to my car and turned it on
Drove us to the Italian ice place, you got the green one I the red
We sat in the sun and laugh as to each other our ices we fed

I love us…
That afternoon we walked under one umbrella in the rain
We put it away, ran and splashed… it drove that old man insane
We walked slowly to the car, at times quietly at times laughing
Wishing I could stop time in a clock the moment I saw you smiling

These were the words that I repeated over and over to myself, but I smiled because I had accepted the final destination without a sigh.

You decided to come along and sink that dagger straight through my heart… shooting pain through my veins, emotions running high.

“I love you more than anything” you said, “but you’re too much of a mystery to me.” Pain giving me life. I couldn’t understand why.

Once again I was left protected from evil, but unable to grasp good. My life unchanged and the same, without a reason to cry.

You walked away content in the misery you left me behind, but joke’s on you… as you sank that dagger I stole the heart of your soul, that’s no lie.

I know it’s been only a few hours since I saw you and told you how beautiful you are, but already I miss your eyes so much. How could I not, when your eyes are like a cloudy January morning when time has stopped and is standing still? I miss your kisses, too. Your kiss is made of cherry, and oh if I could only capture the color of your kiss in my paintings. And your touch… your touch is me blowing up into a million pieces on the inside and coming back together on the outside all in an instant.

I guess telling you I miss you is an understatement. Did I tell you the sound of your voice is like being hugged by the most beautiful clouds? Yeah, and If I could use the essence of lights in a day to paint what you inspire, and if I was to write what you make me feel using all the stars in the night, neither would be adequate or resplendent enough to show what you mean to me.

Being with you is like a dream… missing you is like living a story that can’t be written without being in love. So let me go quick and write this story, so I can soon dream with my eyes wide open.

Sincerely,

Javier C

Girl I just can’t take seeing you sad
I would rather go around naked, crawling the lengths of the earth
Than to see you sad
I would rather open my veins to write you poems with my blood
Than to see you sad

Girl I can’t take seeing you sad
Come into me and surround yourself with my soul
Babe I’m sorry
I will protect you, nurture you, body and soul
I won’t hurt you no mo’
One by one allow me to wipe away all of your tears
Please forgive me
Let me safeguard your heart and erase all your fears
Cause girl I just can’t take seeing you sad.

The other day I chatted with a friend about a new found love she has. I was awe as she described her feelings for him, type of feelings I have not encounter as of lately… directly involved or just as an observer. So thank you girl for sharing. Here are some excerpts from my response to her:

“Wow, it’s utterly flattering for a guy to have the capability to inspired such feelings in a girl… I’m assuming even though he knows you like him, he doesn’t know to what extent. If this is the case, too bad the time has not come for him to discover your feelings as I’m seeing them. I see them, but the one object of your affection can actually discover and indulge in them. Makes me kinda jealous that I’m not inspiring such feelings in some one… but it’s sad that most guys [many times] will not understand or even see something like what you feel, but I blame mostly the girl in this because she’s the one who hides it. Even sadder, however, is that does who do see and discover this feelings in girls used them not to become better lovers, instead as leverage.” Perhaps that’s the reason girls often hide their feelings, so who is really to blame then? ha ha… eh.

As she continued to tell how she fell in love (the process of it) I felt oddly familiar with what she described. I did confess to her how I too, at times, the thought of being in a close relationship with a certain person made me want to become a better person myself. It reminded me of something I wrote a long time ago, that I was going to partially quote here but thought better of it… so moving on.

I continued to compare what I felt she revealed in her words against what I’ve felt in the past:

“I will assume that your view is practical in regards to what you find impressive [in a guy] and will define your feelings by his actions. Me on the other hand am impressed by the girls capability to feel emotions and am more likely to define who I’m towards that [girl] by the feelings I inspired in her. But since the actual processes of falling in love is very similar between us… I’ll tell you what I [would try to] do.”

“[...] what that means is[...] give plentiful in an altruistic manner, give with all your heart but EXPECT nothing in return. You can NEVER give too much love, as long as that love is given in good measure. That, however, is said easier than done. It takes great strength and courage, an immense amount of control. “

When my friend and I chatted she was feeling a bit like the opening of this blog/note because she had not talked to her new boy toy in a bit (he he). I posted part of that opening as a status not too long ago. On that status another friend, Andrea, said about it: “it’s a beautiful feeling “. I will agree with that statement, when you are so much in love with a person that your very own existence is that difficult if you’re not around said person… well, it’s just a beautiful thing.

That said, the story may be a little weak for some tastes… or some may feel the dialogue doesn’t flow and is forced. Some may not feel comfortable with the political issues implied by the film or the spiritual overtones in the latter part of it… frankly the only issue I had, if any, was in regards to that last one, it got to the point where I said eh, but at that moment it moved on, so I felt it was not overdone for my taste.

As for why it was rated PG 13? There was various reasons, but the two that will jump out at you will be language and violence… the first… well, you’ll hear it through out the film, the second… I didn’t get the impression that this was an overly gory film… but it is essentially a film about a “war.” There are some sexual overtones… smoking… and reference to drinking… but not outside of what you may encounter in your day to day life in regards to the last two.

So overall… mind blowing special effects, above average acting and story… or at least passable, and not too overly done on the things that may be controversial… this film will be a classic, no doubt.

Had tons of fun hanging out with those that came along! Loved it! We must do it again!

Each year he sent her roses,
and the note would always say,
“I love you even more this year,
than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow,
with every passing year.”

She knew this was the last time
that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses
in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early,
way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems and
placed them in a very special vase.

Then, sat the vase beside
the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours,
In her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard
to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour,
The doorbell rang, and there
were roses sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in,
and then just looked at them in shock.
Then went to get the telephone,
to call the florist shop.

The owner answered,
and she asked him if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her,
causing her such pain?

“I know your husband passed away,
more than a year ago,”
The owner said,
“I knew you’d call, and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today,
were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order,
that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,
you’ll get them every year.

There also is another thing,
that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago.
Then, should ever I find out that he’s no longer here,
that’s the card that should be sent to you the following year.”

She thanked him and hung up the phone,
her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking,
as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he
had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,

this is what he wrote…

“Hello my love, I know it’s been a year
since I’ve been gone.
I hope it hasn’t been too hard
for you to overcome.
I know it must be lonely,
and the pain is very real.
Or if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything
so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say,
you were the perfect wife.
You were my friend and lover,
you fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year,
but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy,
even when you shed your tears.

That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.
When you get these roses,
think of all the happiness that we had together,
and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you and
I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
you have some living still.

Please…try to find happiness,
while living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year,
and they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered,
when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day,
in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
he will know without a doubt!
To take the roses to the place,
where I’ve instructed him
and place the roses where we are,
together once again.”

That was the poem and the following is a note attached to it.

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend; someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop; someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.

Back to my findings… the poem was sent to me as written by anonymous, one of the most eloquent and prolific writer of all time ; – ). But in my research I found attribution to James A Kisner as the author of the poem “Roses for Rose” (original poem). It has been wrongly attributed to be based on the true life story of radio entertainer and TV funny man Jack Benny deceased in the early-mid 70’s, his wife died in 1983… thus the different versions, it has been edited to fit the story… however inaccurate/twisted the above version is from the author’s original work, it is still my favorite.

My eyes open to a pitch black room. Looking out a window I see a… pigeon- a bright light upon it, as if the midday summer sun was shinning in the sky. And it was bobbing its head… but it was to a beat and it was something like this, boom boom, boom, boom boom boom, except that I did not hear it- I felt it. Then it flew away

As I got close to the window I saw I must have been in a tall building… 5 stories maybe… in an overly industrialized urban area. The sky was no longer bright, nor did I see it to be clear… it was cloudy instead and the air had a yellowish hue near but turned reddish as I looked further in to the distance . Across the street and down the road on the left-hand side of my perspective there I saw a factory, smokestacks fully active… as I brought my attention to distances closer, my eyes moving towards the right in the window of my perspective, I noticed a basketball court across the street.

In the court there was a small boy maybe 8 years old bouncing a basketball… he was Black or could have been Latino… with him was another smaller boy… they talked, but there was no sign of any other life around. I remember looking intently and wary… as if in extreme alertness for danger. At that moment I realized that I was not alone in the room. There were others like me looking out as intently as I was, ready to spring into action. I didn’t know who they were and where they were in relationship to me… but I felt comfortable and as if I could trust them.

I could still see nothing in the room but I became aware of other windows and wind blowing in… not because I felt it… but because I saw shadow/light reflections in the corner of my eye as if something was blowing in the wind… but my concentration and complete attention was on the boys’ faces… they were not happy, nor sad.. but somber.

And that was my dream…

November has been a tough month… from the onset, out of an exacting voyage through the abysm of darkness into a series of unexpected events, feelings have just not been quite right… it was a struggle keeping focus in efforts to move forward. Highly unusual moods were brought forth, disruptive really of what is typical for me in the months of October and November. Period in which I am usually in high spirits and a great mood.

My seemingly impossible month came to a nice break on November 14th, assembly day… it was like bottled ice cold water to drink out in the Sahara. However, feelings only settled at a trite rhythm, it was not until last weekend that emotions started to finally unravel and intensify. Of course, this making my judgment somewhat skew and my thought process somewhat unstable, fickle if I may.

The last few days have been more of my usual merry, silly, tough outer shell, thoughtful self. I am looking forward to getting back to business, however carefully meditating on what I’ve experience in the last two months. Looking ahead so much is to be done. I am wary, however… actions and expressions are not to be taking lightly; time and efforts are to be use wisely… I am… in disbelieve I will admit to this… but I know, I’ll need help.

Just to clarify, I despise the help and kindness of others not because I feel I can manage, or that I am all that great that I don’t need them… is… other reasons. I know that unwillingness to seek or accept help and other actions put me in the eyes of others as outright arrogant. That’s ok, but for the record I categorically denied such charge. Whatever the case may be… this is the time to “work what is good toward all, but especially toward” friends… don’t forget the weak ones, be practical…

November Rain… it’s one of my favorite songs… the reason I used it as my opening is too complicated to be interesting… but we can always say it was just because it talks about a sad November and rain ~:-).

click below

“Thinking With My Heart”

I lay in bed last night
Uh girl! What a wonderful sight
Images of you in my head
With a scorching fire I burned my bed
But it was just me thinking with my heart

I kissed your lips a thousand times
With each one a smile came to them
I looked into your beautiful eyes
In their vast universe I got lost
But it was just me thinking with my heart

I touched every inch of your body
With my lips I explored all its peaks and valleys
I intoxicated myself with the sweet smell of your skin
I drank your honey until I was filled to the brim
But it was just me thinking with my heart

I gently caressed and kissed your heart
And with every touch I slowly erased the pain
Your breath on my face burned me with desire
It inspired passions stronger than any fire
But it was just me thinking with my heart

I lay in bed last night
Uh girl! What a wonderful sight
Images of you in my head
With a scorching fire I burned my bed
But it was just me thinking with my heart

With a glance and a touch of my lips I learned to tease
Remember how I told you that day from your mind would never leave
Because one day you’ll have one of those moments in live
That if your life were a movie the cameras would go in slow motion
Sappy instrumental music would play and of time you would lose notion
You’ll feel your world’s coming to an end with every tick-tock of the clock
Memories flowing and of your emotions unable to take stock

And whenever I walk slowly through an empty lot
Rain drops will gently tap my shoulders and
I will look up and spin around in that very spot
But no one will be there, no extended hand
I’ll think of you, yes I will baby, happy that we were fortunate enough to meet
But whenever I’ll see you, I know my eyes you will avoid but his you will seek

However courage and strength are qualities that we are able to display in many aspects of our lives. When our principles are being put to the test, when we must admit our mistakes, when we ought to take the lead in doing good. In all these our courage and strength can be manifest as lacking or great.

Our principles are challenged all the time. We are often faced with trials that make it hard to stick to what’s right. Sickness, bad economy, fear of fellow humans, amongst other things can lead to us taking actions that are not in complete harmony with righteousness. Courage and strength are needed

Admitting our mistakes is not always an easy thing. Who, after all, likes to look bad? Yet a sincere apology is often an effective way to repair a damaged relationship. Yes, a person should never be too proud to swallow their pride, apologize, and seek forgiveness. Courage and strength are needed.

Doing what’s good to others is not the standard. In this world greed and hate are the base motivation for many people’s actions. This makes it difficult to show a spirit of unselfishness and generosity towards others. Especially if we are often met with evil directed specifically to us. Courage and strength are needed.

Circumstances and people that would tear us down with negativity often surround us. Slowly chipping away at our good habits and strengths, if we’re not careful we can find ourselves tired and worn down. While we may not find ourselves in a life threatening stressful situation everyday, every day living does required us to be courageous and strong.

Courage and strength can be build up in different ways… for those who know what the reference below is, I encourage to look it. Think of this post as an appetizer and the reference as the main entree ~:-)

it-1 p. 516, entry Courage

(words in parenthesis) denote actions of the interviewee and interviewer in the point of view of third person and in accordance to my memory.
[ellipses] inside brackets denote omitted words, ellipses with no brackets are used to denote hesitation as is my particular style of writing. Ellipses are 3 periods in a row: …
[words] inside brackets indicate inserted words.

Interview was transcribed from a recording. My friend’s name is omitted and in place I use [Friend].

Her – (eyes open wide) Well Javi, I’m so excited about doing this interview with you. Thank you for inviting me to do so and thank you for coming out!

Me – (smiles) Well I thought you were just excited to see me…

Her – (smiling) Ah yeah! Especially since you never have time for your favorite […] girl. But however odd this request seem I thought it was a great idea since I am a fan of your writing, and am curious about some things… spending time with you and catching up is just double the pleasure double the fun.

Me – Well thank you [Friend]… it’s good to see you too.

[…]

Her – Okay so lets jump right into it. You’ve always written so much, but you don’t always share, and for a little bit there you stop writing all together. Now you are writing again, but never before had you shared with me such gloomy stuff as what you’ve written in the last… what 3 weeks? So what’s up with that? That [stuff] is pretty depressing.

Me – (leans back half smiling and hesitates) It is [Friend]… but it was something I thought to be important to do… and I’ve learn so much…

Her – So are you depressed Javi?

Me – The simple answer to that is no… but depression has it’s many stages… but no, I don’t really ever get depressed out of the blue like that.

Her – So you enter this… stage on purpose, no?

Me – Yes.

Her – (shuffling through papers) in the writing we are considering Javier, you often describe a voyage into the darkness and in a poem… you wrote of sinking into the pits of human despair and savoring sadness and pain… what does that mean? I mean how is this voyage and savoring actually occurring?

Me – (looking down into space) Without giving my poem interpretation… the best way I can describe it is this: I see the dark side as all the evil, sadness, pain and negativity that… occurs or is experience in this world. In the dark side you are either… the perpetrator or a victim… . Of course victims often become… perpetrators. It’s like when someone cuts you off in traffic… and you… do what I’ve seen you do (both smile). I guess it’s human nature to return evil with evil… and in that way and others we are all experiencing the darkness…

Her – Okay…

Me – My voyage into the darkness is not as a perpetrator, in the sense that I am not going in to harm others… or myself, or do things that are harmful… and it’s not as a victim in the sense that I am not allowing harmful things to happen to me. I am more like narrator, no… like a camera man, even better a photographer!… viewing and recording in the dark side… sometimes from the point of view of the victim sometimes from the point view of the perpetrator, sometimes just a wide shot…

Her – I see…

Me – Except that my focus is actual feelings more than events… those feeling I savor in the sense that I… you know.

Her – Of course. It must take great vision and self control to be able to do something as such…

Me – [Friend] great art requires and immense amount of control… (smiles)

[…]

Her – (smiling and teasing tone) so Javier, you sure this wasn’t about missing that girl… with hot legs, the great kisser as you described her?

Me – (sarcastic tone) Ha ha, no… but I can write something about her if you like…

Her – Okay!

Me – Okay!

[…]

Her – Javi how much longer will you stay in this [gloomy] stage?

Me – (smiles) I am done, all I had to do is see you [Friend]…

Her – […] seriously now…

Me – No, seriously speaking I am done with it.

Her – What are you walking a way with?

Me – It’s been a sobering experience… and don’t let Darth Stewie fool you, the dark side is not much more funner.

[…]

Her – Shall we go grab a bite to eat?

Me – (slaps hands together) Let’s do it!

I sit on the floor sinking into the pits of human despair.
Gently rocking myself, smacked in the face by how life is unfair.

As black pebbles plummet from my eyes.
I know the reasons and seasons, but still ask the whys.

Thinking how people are full of greed and hatred – in evil they take part.
I asked myself how could they, does anyone have a heart?

The world is full of pain, sadness, death, and fears.
Innocence is lost, probity desiccates, what is left are my tears.

I fill the emptiness in my heart with rage.
A battle with darkness, evil, and reason I stage.

I savor the sadness, love the pain.
A plan is afoot to carry out in a day of rain.

But the weight of perverse thoughts crushes me fast.
So I ask “Dear God, oh God; how long must this last?”

Traveling into the darkness has taken it’s toll on me. Starting with the seemingly pleasurable and alluring side of the dark side down to the its darkest most bitter part. In my descent I marked the spots where I thought certain types of people had been lost to evil. I tried to recreate what would be their feelings, reconstruct what would be their thoughts.

Moving on, I asked myself how much longer did I have to go until I reached that point of no return. I chuckled and thought, if the average person ever asks that question, it’s probably too late. I turned around to survey my trek – the climb back seemed insurmountable, oh how I felt like just giving up. I looked down and around and thought, there’s still more to explore and experience down here…

In just 10 seconds, 176 names deleted… world wide this is exactly what happens. Except that not just names are “deleted”, so is the life associated with that name. The death of 17 or 18 people every second that passes may seem as a morose thought if yet a trivial one when not directly affected by such loss of life.

However I invite you pause for a second and think about this: if each person that dies only new 20 people, then in ten seconds there would literally be thousands of people left with deep pain and sorrow that can last a life time. If we further consider the root cause of most of these deaths – greed and hatred resulting in violence both at a personal level to nations going to war, sickness, or just plain disregard for human life – can we rightfully live our lives as if this was a trifling matter?

While sinking into murkiness every moment of our life because of these facts is incongruous with reality, walking around completely absorbed in our own little world without any acknowledgment of the world we live in is just plain infelicitous.

Perhaps the most outré (pronounced oo-tre, with double o as in book and with a Spanish e) death can be said to be, in my opinion, the self inflicted one. Statics of 10 years ago show that every 2 minutes 3 people committed suicide around the globe. Deaths from suicide are only a part of a serious problem. In addition to those who die, many more people survive attempts to take their own lives or harm themselves, often seriously enough to require medical attention.

The most common cause of suicide, perhaps, is depression. Depression symptoms include feeling sad or empty, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities, significant weight loss or gain, insomnia or hypersomnia, irritability, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, guilt, inability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, feelings of loneliness.

In the video above, the actual song is about saying good-bye after a break up, the video it self is about suicide. I’ve translated not the lyrics, but the message flashed through out the video, minus the citations of scriptures from different Holy Books.

We’re all born with capability of taking our own life.
Many people think of suicide as a solution.
They think there’s no other way out.
Each year one million people choose this road.
If you feel depressed… and you can’t find another way.
Search for help… talk to someone.
There’s is an answer, we’re not alone.
Don’t give up even if it seems hopeless.
Search for help… talk to someone.
Every 40 seconds a person commits suicide.
They don’t want to be alone.
They’re looking for refuge.
Where they can express their fears and worries.
Trying to find themselves.
How much longer can you wait?
Less die due to homicide a year.
The one’s of us in love with life.
We have the responsibility…
Do you know someone who is suffering?
Help them! Don’t forsake them.
Because others also want to live.

I guess wishing to be dead sometimes, is ok. After all this world is filled with suffering. What it’s not ok is the thought of killing oneself. If anyone ever has such thoughts… please, please talk to someone. For those of us who are in love with life… bearing the pain of losing just one of our friends/family from that list… should be enough to keep us vigilant…

… and to the ones that love them. October is breast cancer awareness month, it is also domestic violence awareness month.

Why is this important? If we consider domestic violence, in the USA alone approximately 25% of women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. However, over 70% of all Americans will be affected in some way by it, including children. Yet this abuse is the most underreported crime. Domestic violence goes beyond physical abuse and its effects can last a lifetime.

ncadv.org
The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

Breast cancer incidence in women has more than double in the last 50 years. Keep in mind that only about 5-10% of breast cancers are caused by inherited gene mutations, on reality the most significant risk factors for breast cancer are first gender (being a woman) and then age (growing older). Earlier detection through screening, treatment and increased awareness are key to survivor.

breastcancer.org

I have personally brushed shoulders with women who have experienced the fear, the helplessness, the pain of being in both situations, but who ultimately survived. I have found their fortitude and courage to be none short of mighty warriors. Their strength could put the most gallant efforts of any men to shame. I am both humbled and awed by their valor. I count myself fortunate to have made their acquaintances and privileged to have been able to assist, if at all, even to the smallest degree.

I encourage all to click on the links I’ve included. Inform yourselves, talk about it, make a difference in someone’s life.

Earlier this year I also had the most seductive experience with a canvas as I forcefully left a mark of passion with lustful strokes of brushes imbued in oil paint.

From painting I was able to understand more plentifully how I define my feelings in accordance to what I see, but I also was open to the wonders of defining more fully what I see in accordance to what I feel. Things stopped being inanimate objects and became full of passion overflowing with intense emotions. From the kisses… perhaps there is nothing more intimate than a kiss.

These two things have now come to make a different kind of sense in my beloved autumn… and while I’ll withhold sharing more on the painting, for now… I will freely share my thoughts on a kiss. If I may, I would like to start with what must be my favorite secular piece of writing… a poem, by Thomas Moore.

The Kiss

Grow to my lip, thou sacred kiss,
On which my soul’s beloved swore
That there should come a time of bliss,
When she would mock my hopes no more.
And fancy shall thy glow renew,
In sighs at morn, and dreams at night,
And none shall steal thy holy dew
Till thou’rt absolv’d by rapture’s rite.
Sweet hours that are to make me blest,
Fly, swift as breezes, to the goal,
And let my love, my more than soul
Come blushing to this ardent breast.
Then, while in every glance I drink
The rich o’erflowings of her mind,
Oh! Let her all enamour’d sink
In sweet abandonment resign’d,
Blushing for all our struggles past,
And murmuring, “I am thine at last!”

I can not begin to express the feelings evoked every time I read this poem. I can say, however, that the imagery flashing through my mind results in blissful daydreaming. But now that I’ve share the best on a kiss, let me write something of my own inspiration. Though not nearly as good as Thomas Moore, I will do my best to make it as simple as possible… and here is “My Kiss”

My Kiss

My kiss is the color of spring bud
Soft as the clouds, gentle as the breeze, tender as a touch
My kiss, my kiss is what I want to give
Please have my kiss
Because my kiss is desperate and sad
As an injured fawn seeking refuge in the wilderness
With it I can show you hundreds of shade of gray
Of a of beautiful autumn day
My kiss is the color of scarlet
Passionate as roses, lustful as fire, painful as blood
My kiss, my kiss is what I want to give
Please have my kiss

There… that’s short and sweet… hmmm… maybe I should write one called “Her Kiss”… nah.

Why then, would someone lead someone on unless they are flat out mean? Unfortunately is not as simple as that. There are some studs out there, whose actions can be seen as more than mere pleasantries. The same goes for some of you splendid girls out there. These illustrious bunch do well to consider that ‘things can get particularly confusing when you occasionally single out someone for attention and then at other times acts as though there’s no interest whatsoever. And if you are observe lavishing attention on someone else or displaying simple kindness and courtesy to others, it can arouse feelings of jealousy’, pain, bitterness, self-loathing, or deep sorrow.

Since our actions can at times be interpreted incorrectly, it is of vital importance for those who realize they are object of affections to address such issues immediately. Why? Well, such unrequited love can be compare to malign cancerous cells, if left untreated it can spread and poison the whole body to the point of even fatality. Unfortunately there are only two cures for such infirmity, the antidote: loving the person back, or removing “the cancerous cells.” If loving the person back is not an option, then, in my opinion, it is appropriate to brave a face-to-face meeting to set things straight. Taking the unkind way out and ignoring the situation is as mean as leading someone on.

Of course leading on can be taken to despiteful levels. ‘Some might get close or even date in order to gain experience with the opposite sex… or view their pawn as nothing more than a trophy or an accessory to be seen with in public to boost their own self-esteem. Playing with someone’s affections in that way is plain cruel’.

But most people I know are neither cruel nor mean, if only just at a lost with having to cause pain to someone they actually do care for. But addressing such situations can be compare to the surgery undergone to remove a tumor, yeah it’s painful and it will take time to heal… but believe me you, it’s the lesser of two evils. Of course, one of the two will always be… a necessary evil in such matter.

A few weeks ago a person dear to me said to me the above, interesting concept I found it to be. I mean can you imagine building a house and staring with the roof? Of course not, you must start at the foundation! Pondering in these words called to mind the words spoken to me many at times by wise men during my teens. Over and over they patiently try to point my miss leaded soul in the right direction. While maybe I can’t say that I listened to all they spoke, still those words have not been forgotten.

I remember at times being given guidance on building a strong foundation for the future. Talent and intelligence were put in the background, so it seem. While discipline, hard work, and good communication skills were brought forth as the things I should focus on. Much can be said about the latter./. But all I am going to point out is the following.

Discipline – “True, no discipline seems for the present to be joyous, but grievous; yet afterward to those who have been trained by it, it yields peaceable fruit”

Hard work – “the hand of the diligent one is what will make one rich”

Good communication – Many things can be said in this subject alone, but think about this: wouldn’t you say that a person that is fluent in many languages, maybe 10 or more, is a great communicator? With that in mind “If I speak in the tongues of men … but do not have love, I have become a sounding [piece of] brass or a clashing cymbal.”

Of course, such principles can be applied to all aspects of life… but when applied to getting to know the source of such wisdom, then you really have something (-;~

“The power is not in the control but in the touch”

As I spoke with a female friend the other day, she expressed her frustration on having romantic feelings for someone and her feelings not being reciprocated. She said “I have these feelings, but I can’t control other people and how they feel.” My response was simple and with little thought, I said: “the key is not in trying to control people and what they feel or think; but in how deeply you can touch them… in touching their hearts like no one else can.” The outcome of the conversation is unclear to me because it was a very casual and short conversation. I realize my words didn’t bring too much console to my friend… I will try to do better on that next time.

However, days later the words I spoke still linger in my head. At that time I decided something must be writing in regards to them. Today I finally take the time to ponder on what I said. But before we get to my thoughts, let’s consider my feelings. The sentiment I was trying to convey (it was just a sentiment for no thought was put forth into my words) was: friend, in loving someone you are right, you can’t control what others feel or don’t feel about you, but that shouldn’t be your main concern; the only thing you can do is leave your mark in their hearts. If that impression is big enough, that heart will love you back, not always in the way you want, but it will love you back.

Thinking about those words and what they imply, I realize it’s not an easy thing ignoring, to a degree, what you feel and what others don’t feel and stick around to make a difference in people’s lives. I recognize “the heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate” and that “expectation postponed is making the heart sick.” There’s is also other’s things that can get in the way… feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness may overcome us and makes us draw back… or fears of losing more than what we are willing to, may stir us to try to control the situation at whatever cost. But we must remember “there is no fear in love, but perfect love throws fear outside, because fear exercises a restraint” and that when we strive to control others “man has dominated man to his injury” only.

Perhaps I am the least adequate to give my friends counsel on romantic relationships, however I would like to point out two things that might be helpful in a diverse measure of situations. Whether it be walking up to a complete stranger to share the “truth”, interacting with friends, family, co-workers, etc.

First, “there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.” Thus, we must strive to “assist those who are weak.” Remembering that “all things are lawful; but not all things are advantageous. All things are lawful; but not all things build up.” So we do well to ‘keep seeking, not our own advantage, but that of the other person.’ If regardless of what others feel and think about us we fear not, to continue doing what is good to others in great measure, then we will truly find the happiness in giving.

Next, chillax! “All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last.” People not responding in a favorable manner can be frustrating and make things seem helpless. But if we continue to ‘send out our bread upon the surface of the waters,’ it will not fail that ‘in the course of many days we will find it again.’ Yes, what goes around comes around… continue we must, to do what is good, to the last!

In conclusion, perhaps the reason we sit back in timid distress wishing we could control what others feel, think, or do is the same reason we strike forward trying to control others: we are simply afraid. Afraid of giving, afraid of losing, maybe even, afraid of receiving, afraid of winning. Afraid of touching someone’s heart like no one else can. Hence the following words are called to mind: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are we not to be?” If we indeed, don’t let our fears get the best of us, then “when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Yes, we realize that “the key is not in trying to control people and what they feel or think; but in how deeply you can touch them… in touching their hearts like no one else can.”

“Rain Loves Me”

I close my eyes… she gently caresses my face, sensitively veiling my tears
I run a mile away, but she’s just there waiting for me only to embrace me tighter
Softly swathing my body, she tenderly permeates every inch of me
I seek shelter from her
But as if a multitude screaming, she whispers my name
How can I stay away, when rain loves me so tenderly
If I could marry I would marry music
But my mistress would be rain
So I only wish for one thing
That when I die, I die in the battlefield
In the arms of music, while rain kisses my heart

“Fear”

Fear gently wraps her arms around me
Embracing my heart, caressing my soul
My heart gasps for air, growing heavy
Wait! Is it falling or is it rising
My soul, after the trace of her touch, she paralyzes
Like venom she drips in to my veins
Turning light to dark
Little by little she destroys me
I want to escape her
But she has become blood to my soul
Comfort to my heart
And now my number one fear is
Having to say good-bye

Note on fear: I believe the main purpose of fear is to protect us. It keeps us from going over the edge. It allows us to go just far enough, without destroying everything we hold on dearly to. Of course fear also has its dark side; this side is what most people are familiar with. I believe much can be told in regards to character and personality by the things we fear, by this I don’t mean the fear we feel as a spontaneous reaction, but the fears that live with us in the deepest darkest part of our soul…

I often find myself wondering as to the reason to write. My critics and fans seem to have an insatiable desire to see more of it, in different styles, about different things. Critics are often harsh, but I find their response the most enjoyable. Now I am not a writer by profession of any sorts. But it is something I do often, and little of it I share with others…

In my writing I vary vastly in the topics, but what I am comfortable sharing is usually things having to do with “love”, so why not continue this tradition today by telling a story I was recently told. Mid this week, I was introduced to the love story of two writers. It impressed me more than I expected. I realize by it that one’s written words can have a profound effect in others, and one should be careful on the use of such power.

To start our main character, he has a dark side, which I am indubitably intrigue by. ‘Have you ever betrayed anyone? Perhaps. Did you enjoy doing it? no? Then your heart’s too pure to understand’… I agree, truth is some things, including feelings cannot be explained, they can only be experienced. But our main character’s outlook on love may seem a tad bit more pessimist: “All men are untruthful, inconstant, false, chatterers, hypocritical, proud, cowardly, contemptible and sensual. All women are perfidious, cunning, vain, inquisitive and depraved. The world is a bottomless sewer where misshapen creatures crawl and writhe in mountains of mire. There is, though, in this world one thing holy and sublime: the union of two of these beings, imperfect and frightful as they are.” Or is it really pessimism? This statement here seems to capture the essence of some sort of feeling deep inside me.

Maybe it’s just my abiding lustful infatuation with sorrow… if I could characterize sorrow as a woman what would I say? ‘Savor this moment with me. Every day, I think of your body, all its movements. In every shade of light, I imagine its shadows. Its hidden secrets.’ And add: Until I ache with passion I allow my veins to flare with desire. Not that I want to be sad or sorrowful all the time, but when it’s here ‘I give in to it. Let it run its course, so when it’s done it lets me go’. I’ve learned to embrace all feelings. Such embracing, however, may very well leave some at a lost with love… one may respect the person object of his or her fascination but be render incapable of loving, with every action destroying the individuals that are loving such one. Thus the union, if attainable… it’s simply divine.

Our main character is not a pessimist, but an idealist “I can’t love you in that way. There’s a place in my heart, but for a true comrade. If you want it, it’s yours.” He wants to attain a pure love: ““See the way I am. I want to give so much and the best I can offer is to die with me. Escape while you still have a chance.” But is a love so pure truly achievable?

What happens when imperfections and fears are victorious and they unleash the misshapen creatures? Maybe love just isn’t enough “You imitate passion but you feel nothing”. Ok so if being in love is impossible, why not just friends then? Aaaah, but “friendship can live on when love is gone.” Sad but true. The only thing left to do then is (-:~ to write. Write about the love, write about the pain, write about the one loved either to immortalize them, or to kill them off in our heart. But remember that the “joy of writing is in the execution.”

At the very end our distraught loved female realizes: “Love does exist. It’s not an Illusion. I’m sure of that now. One merely has to recognize it and be humble before it. We didn’t understand it. We parted in the arrogance of youth. We didn’t know then what we learnt with time: We only love once with all our soul.” I think that one is fortunate if he/she knows the veracity of such statement (we only love once with all our soul). I perhaps am too tender and inexperience to be able to agree or disagree with such idea… but it sure is interesting to ponder on it at times.

Say leitmotif has been a transient visitor of my passion-satiated mind. My refusal to tarry on it can be attributed to my feeling that such issue is not one you decide in your mind, nor one which solution will egress from the heart. Rather that it would be like a message in a bottle that the currents of life would bring just at the right time.

Now, before I continue with that, I would like to pause and address the fact that there are people out there who have very strong and even passionate opinions about who and what I am. Yet, I am not going to take the time to explain how wrong or right those opinions are, or to say how little or much people understand me. Frankly, I don’t care much about what others think or say and sometimes even what they feel about me (no, that statement doesn’t need explaining). So whether you’re one of the few that sees me as more than just a man or one of the those who think of me as less than one (or if you’re somewhere in between), what I’ve taken from you and the reason I love you is because of (and based on) what you’ve inspire in me (and for a few also based on their feelings towards me).

So in thinking about what people have inspired in me and on those who have deeply affected me, we find a proportionate amount of males and females. I have met men/guys who have been like great fathers, brothers, and friends. I’ve met women/girls that have been a mother, a sister, a friend… and a select few of those girls have been object of my special affection. It’s about these latter that I will expound, because yet again they are, for just this moment, all object of my special affection.

Half a life time back, six months ago, I met a girl who in the last month has touched the extremities of my being. In figuring out what it all means, I’ve wage war against the darkness in me… and now comprehend that my essence is not evil, but I do have indeed much good to offer. I’ve also played back my life with those others I had similar feelings towards… and now understand how wonderful each and every one of those girls were/are.

Until that point I felt that in those failed but precious relationships I was a victim of sorrow and pain in which I had the worst of it. Now I understand that those girls were in reality casualties of my insane heart, killing that seed of love before burgeoning; the poor girl object of my affection in reality got the worst part of the deal. What’s left is the fact that each of those girls inspired something completely different from the other and uniquely wonderful in me, inspirations that in someway I will always cherish as part of the man I now am.

My hope is that in my fiery wooing and subsequent awry dismay… the distress caused was minimal. I can only offer my most sincere apologies for barging in to their lives and daring to take as a thief the most beautiful treasures as part of me. Who I am now is partially due to them, and I’m sorry they didn’t get to experience me as I am now, they did deserve more than what I gave.

In realizing and understanding more fully such things, I suppose it was inevitable for a question to beg answer. Namely: could any one of these girls be the one and only? Is such concept a viable one?

I know we were created so that we would find true love and from there live happily ever after. No, this is not a concept thought up by fairy tale writers, it’s actually part of our original purpose. Man is to leave everything he holds dear and “must become one flesh” with his true love, that concept along with the desire to live “even to time indefinite” is what’s ingrain in our hearts. So in some sense we do have the desire and potential for one soul mate.

However, this doesn’t mean this choice is limited to one person that is our only perfect fit. The reason is that, even though where we come from, how we are wired emotionally and mentally, and the unique feelings someone can inspire in us make it more likely to get close to that particular person… it is what you do after you meet that person that determines if he or she will be a soul mate. True love takes the right mixture of tenacious ardor, patience, and trust. A soul mate is not one that you meet, but is born out of the fusion of the pure essence of two people. It’s not determined by traits that someone has to offer us, but on how much we are willing to give.

So then again, the way we go about things, the choices we make is an essential part of the formula to determine if someone we meet will be our soul mate. But yet again, this is only half of the formula. The longevity of such a relationship can not be ran in a two-strand cord… a “threefold cord” is always best.

Most of what I write I do not share, some I share with a few (with requests forbidding forwarding), and others stuff I publish more freely. This here however, I’m sharing freely with everyone. Posting it in public places, e-mailing it to certain ones encouraging them to feel free to forward and share. Not that I feel my conclusions on if we have a soul mate or not will be of any consequence to anyone (I’m sure people will get their own message in a bottle at their own due time). But because I want every and any girl that ever felt the slightest degree of enamour towards me, to know that more than likely I picked up on it and now I do appreciate it, thank you.